Why couldn’t Hammond just bring back condors?

Movie: Jurassic Park (and subsequently, all the sequels)

Release Year: 1993

Starring: Laura Dern, Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, Richard Attenborough, Ariana Richards, Joseph Mazzello, Samuel L. Jackson, Wayne Knight, and B.D. Wong

Synopsis: An insanely rich excentric decides to spend a gajillion dollars to bring back dinosaurs instead of tackling things like… homelessness, or climate change… or condors.

With yet another Jurassic Park film coming out this July, I thought I’d go back to the beginning. Specifically because, if Mr. Hammond, Sir Attenborough, had decided to save the rainforest, and bring back animals that were extinct due to human interference, then… we wouldn’t be out here trying to figure out how to SAVE THE LAST OF THE POPULATION!

Like, I get the fascination with dinosaurs. They’re interesting, majestic even! But also, they were fucking SCARY! And many of them ate meat.

And what are humans made of???? EXACTLY!

Throughout the film, Hammond talks continuously about sparing no expense, down to the toilet paper, but he couldn’t afford to pay people enough that they wouldn’t betray him?

He couldn’t have better security to catch Dennis, Knight, while he tiptoed his ass around the facility fucking everything up?

If he’d been working to bring back species that they knew, like the Indian Javan Rhino, then they might not have been able to get as out of control as these ginormous creatures we’ve only been able to speculate about.

And who the fuck hires one IT guy?

One?!? Are you kidding me?

It seems to me, Mr. Hammond was out here holding back on quite a bit of expense.

After the first murder, which takes place in the beginning of the movie, they still could have shut the shit down. But noooooooo. He decides the best way to honor that poor man’s sacrifice is to move forward and bring MORE people to murder island.

He preys on doctor’s Malcolm Grant, Neill, and Ellie Sattler, Laura, who are genuinely reasonable individuals by offering THEM money that they desperately need, and then, there was Dr. Ian Malcolm, Goldblum, who I personally think was just along for the ride.

Like, I don’t think he really believed they were actually out here making real live dinos. Cuz the second he realized it, he went from, “Hey, what’s up? You like chaos?” to, “Um, what the fuck is this?”

Then, to make matters worse, he brings his GRANDCHILDREN into the picture. His sweet, overly talkative, slightly bratty grandchildren.

Them babies didn’t know what they were getting into. Little Timmy, Mazzello, thought he was going to meet one of his favorite paleontologists and have a lil tete-a-tete while Lexi, Richards, was simply hoping to have a kickass vacation and spend time with her grandfather. Instead, they got years and years of unnecessary trauma due to nearly being made into dino dookie by a T-Rex. Oh, and then of course, being electrocuted by a fence that should have never been off in the first place (fucking Dennis), and then nearly eaten again! This time, by Velociraptors.

Cuz why not?

Meanwhile, can we talk about how this man was not never once in danger of being killed by his own creation? Everybody else was out here catching strays, and this man was immediately led into a bunker giving out orders and pretending he was about to go outside to do something.

What in the hell was he gonna do? Get eaten?! That man was a geriatric who relied on a cane to get around. He would’ve lasted an entire two seconds before he was done in.

And even after all the chaos he caused, he spent the next movie trying to save the creatures he brought back from extinction that shouldn’t have been back in the first place!

This was not the conservation we were asking for!

(You know, the more I write this, the more it sounds like our government.)

But I digress, when he got on the plane, conveniently managing to save only the whites, (poor Sam Jackson,) he could have gone home, realized his mistakes and destroyed everything. Could’ve just nuked the island, and pretended it never happened. Hell, he had enough money to make it all disappear.

OH NOOOOOO!

He decided to turn this bundled bag of dog doo into a serious case of diarrhea after his company decided to bring some of these beasts to residential spaces?

Cuz what, we don’t have enough issues with infrastructure or housing and things like that. Fuck it, let’s bring these big ass beasts here to create more problems, that’ll solve everything.

HE LET HIS COMPANY GET A HOLD OF MAN EATING DINOSAURS AND THEIR DNA!

*sigh*

Why couldn’t he just save the damn condors?